for the first-gen adult trying their best

There’s a specific kind of exhaustion that comes from the weight of everything that was accumulated before you. The dreams that weren’t achieved, the pain that didn’t get healed, or the trauma that went unresolved. All of that eventually fell in your lap without you asking for it.

First-generation guilt and pressure often show up subtly from what was passed down and what was observed growing up. Chances are, if you’re a first-generation adult, you witnessed at least one parent overworking, in survival mode, to make ends meet. The food on the table, the roof over your head, and maybe even the resources you needed to succeed in school. The busyness wasn’t necessarily enjoyable; it just had to get done. And it did. So, then the pressure and guilt may sound like:

• “I should be doing more.”
• “They sacrificed everything for me.”
• “I should be grateful.”
• “I had everything I needed so I can’t complain.”

The list goes on. And beneath these thoughts there is an unspoken responsibility to make it all worth it through YOUR life.

The Unspoken Knowing

For many first-generation individuals, there’s an unspoken knowing and understanding that forms early:

“Because they struggled, I must succeed.”

So that the sacrifice is worth it. So that the change they navigated does not go in vain. While this isn’t something that is always explicitly stated, it is often heavily implied and witnessed. Through the stories heard, observing the relentless pushing through, and understanding that opportunities came at a cost. To add on, there’s a tremendous amount of pride Hispanic parents have related to showing off what their child has achieved and accomplished, especially as it relates to academics and career. It proved to them that it was worth it, which may have created a pressure in you to continue maintaining that description.

I witnessed my dad work many jobs for long hours. Jobs that required heavy physical labor, microaggressions from managers, and jobs that undermined his abilities and skills. I didn’t understand it much then, but as I’m typing it now I feel a mixture of sadness, anger, and gratitude. My job, he would tell me, was to do well in school. I believe that many Hispanic parents who came to the states have a desire for their children to do and have much better than they did. While the intention is great, the pressure is also great. Interestingly enough, this pressure doesn’t end once you graduate. It follows you into other areas of your life.

That is, until success becomes clearly defined by you.

Guilt in First-Generation Adults

Guilt is an emotion I notice that is present in anyone’s story who is breaking the cycle. It can be a byproduct of change, carries a focus on the behavior, and can signal when there’s a clashing of values. For the first-generation adult, it’s a dance in finding the balance in maintaining traditional values and integrating new, American ones.

A very common example of this tension is the difference between collectivism and individualism. Many Hispanic/Latino families emphasize the collective, which prioritizes family needs, loyalty, and togetherness. In contrast, American culture often prioritizes independence, personal goals, and individual fulfillment.

This difference becomes especially clear around boundaries. In many traditional households, boundaries are non-existent, may not be modeled, or are not encouraged, while in American culture, they are often viewed as essential for mental health and autonomy. As a result, first-generation adults frequently experience guilt, fear, or uncertainty when they begin setting boundaries with family.

While neither extreme fully supports long-term well-being, the work then becomes that of integration: finding a balance between both cultures for the first-generation adult to cultivate a life that feels authentic, filled with choice, and agency.

Any behavior or action that deviates from the traditional, cultural upbringing results in guilt. It’s important to note, though, that this can easily turn into shame, which is when a first-gen adult not only believes “what I’m doing is ‘bad’” but takes on the self-identification of “I am bad” (e.g., bad daughter, bad example, etc.). This is extremely prevalent within Hispanic/Latino families where actions that differ from expectations are interpreted with judgment, reinforcing cycles of first-generation guilt and self-doubt. This brings me to the next point.

Guilt for Wanting Different

Another common source of first-generation guilt is wanting a different life for yourself. Choosing a path that doesn’t fully align with your parents’ expectations or vision can feel deeply uncomfortable. Even when the decision is right for you, it often brings up internal conflict, doubt, and guilt.

There was a time I worked as a full-time nurse and went straight into being a therapist right after my shift. You might be able to guess that this was exhausting. I came to a point where I debated on leaving my nursing job completely to pursue therapy full-time. This was a difficult decision for me, contrary to what may seem like an easy decision to anyone else. I came from a place of recognizing what it took for me to get that nursing degree. How my parents poured into me and all they sacrificed for me to be an educated Latina woman. How could I possibly throw that away?

Here’s what I learned from my own therapy about this internal conflict:

• I hadn’t given myself nearly enough credit for how I achieved this dream. I worked my butt off omg.
• My nursing degree would not go in vain. It helped me pay for my entire masters program so that I would be student debt free.
• By me continuing to further my education, I was still honoring my parents and my own personal values.

Acknowledging myself in the mix helped me come to an internal agreement in how to best move forward. Of course, there are many other scenarios that elicit the feeling of guilt for wanting to do life differently. You might notice:

• guilt for resting when others don’t
• guilt for choosing passion over stability
• guilt for moving out of your home (especially on your own)

Redefining What It Means to “Make It”

There’s often a narrow definition of success tied to first-generation experiences: financial stability, security, or upward mobility. And sure, those things can matter. But when they become the only markers of success, it can disconnect you from yourself.

What would it look like to expand that definition?

• success as giving yourself the rest your lineage couldn’t have
• success as choosing a life that feels like yours
• success as emotional and mental well-being
• success as breaking cycles

The Work in Therapy for First-Generation Adults

Life can be exhausting already, but when you add on the expectations and standards of how others want you to live, it makes sense why you’re exhausted in maintaining those standards when they don’t fully align with your personal needs, wants, and beliefs.

At The Internal Dialogue Therapy Co., we help first-generation individuals unpack that pressure and understand how their upbringing shaped it. From there, the work focuses on defining your values, identifying your needs and wants, and building a life that feels like it’s yours.